UNFORTUNATE IDOL: Behind the Scenes
by xdellaforex
Summary: CHAPTER 3 IS UP!Carmelita can't hold a note, Violet won't stop twiching and Da Freaks don't know a song from toilet paper. But can they, accompanied by the moronic show host, her brother and other ASOUE characters, work together to put on the best UNFORT
1. The pooper scooper trooper

**Chapter 1: The Pooper – Scooper Trooper**

DUNCAN: Hi! I'm Duncan Quagmire; Here behind the scenes of Unfortunate Idol! Yippee! Right now I'm going to interview the host of the show Bridget!

DUNCAN: So Bridget, what is it like hosting a reality show?

BRIDGET: It's so great! I've always wanted to be a show host.

Suddenly, Bridget's brother, the camera guy, appeared from behind a plastic plant.

DUNCAN: Ahhh! - I always wondered why there was a plastic plant in the middle of the set!

The Camera Guy pointed at Bridget.

CAMERA GUY: No you haven't! You always wanted to be-.

BRIDGET: Don't you say a word!

CAMERA GUY: a super duper pooper-scooper trooper! MU-HA-HA!

DUNCAN: Really? Ha-ha!

Bridget's face turned bright pink.

BRIDGET: No! Of course not!

The Camera guy continued laughing.

BRIDGET: Oh yeah? Well you sound like an animal in labor when you laugh!

CAMERA GUY: No!

Duncan decided that things were going to get ugly.

DUNCAN: Okay…let's go meet one of the performers Sunny Baudelaire! After this commercial break.


	2. Run Duncan!

**Chapter 2: Run Duncan!**

Duncan was walking in the parking lot, looking for Sunny's trailer.

DUNCAN: Hey look! There's Violet! Violet! Over here!

VIOLET: Hey Duncan! What's up?

DUNCAN: I was wondering if you know where Sunny's trailer is.

VIOLET: Oh yeah, in the right side of the parking lot…can't miss it.

DUNCAN: Thanks!

Violet couldn't be more right; Sunny's trailer was blasting loud music. He knocked and heard Sunny lower the music. She poked her little head out from behind the door.

DUNCAN: hey, Sunny! I was wondering if we could ask you a few questions.

SUNNY: Grrr.

Which meant Grr!

Duncan tried not to look as scared as he was. He knew Sunny could be vicious at times.

DUNCAN: Okay…got to get going. Bye!

He ran as if his life depended on it. When he made it back to the set he paused and took out a list from his pocket.;

DUNCAN: Okay! Now it's time to interview…Violet!

Some on that was not very important called Duncan.

NO ONE IMPORTANT: Actually you need to interview Carmelita Spats.

Duncan lied.

DUNCAN: Oh! I didn't know.

NO ONE IMPORTANT: Oh course you didn't. You're only the _host_ of this behind the scenes special.

DUNCAN: Shut up! Or I'll tell every one about the time you had diarrhea at _Barns and Noble!_

NO ONE IMPOETANT: _Gasp!_ No! Don't! Hey…wait a second! I never did diarrhea at a book store!

DUNCAN: Poop! I thought he'd fall for it!

NO ONE IMPORTANT: Are you getting paid to stand around?

DUNCAN: No Sir.

He tried to look as sorry as he could when he wasn't sorry on bit.

NO ONE IMPORTANT: That's what I thought. GO!

Duncan stood in front of Carmelita's trailer. Ugh.

DUNCAN: Ugh. I think this is Carmelita's –

He was interrupted by a flash of lighting and a boom of thunder that appeared behind Carmelita's trailer. When it stopped he could hear her rehearsing her song loudly. Duncan plugged his ears.

DUNCAN: UGH!

Once he realized that Carmelita wasn't going to stop any time soon he knocked on the door; loud.

Carmelita swung open the door with an evil expression on her face. The thunder and lighting appeared again.

CARMELITA: What do you want, Cakesniffer?

DUNCAN: Uh, I came to interview you.

Carmelita's face lit up as if the interview were going to end up in _Young Hollywood Life_ or _Teen Vogue_.

CARMELITA: Come in!

When they went inside Carmelita sat on a chair so fuzzy it looked like an animal that would swallow her whole in seconds. Duncan thought. He wanted to make the interview as short as possible. He asked the first question that came to his mind.

DUNCAN: What's you're name?

CARMELITA: Carmelita, Duh! Are you stupid as well as cakesniffy?

That was when Duncan lost his self-control.

DUNCAN: Are you ugly as well as untalented?

Carmelita pounced to attack but Duncan was to fast.

CARMELITA: GRRRRRRR!

Duncan was out of there faster then you could say "the world is really, really, really, really, really…" Well, you get the point. Anyway…

CARMELITA: YOU CAKESNIFFER!

DUNCAN: Never!

They both stopped in there tracks.

CARMELITA: Say what?

DUNCAN: NEVER!

Carmelita gave him a super evil and confused glare.

DUNCAN: NEVER!

CARMELITA: What's with the never?

DUNCAN: I'm trying to add a dramatic touch!

CARMELITA: Whatever you cakesniffer!

They both started running again.

When they reached the studio again, Duncan almost crashed into a plastic plant. The Camera Guy popped out from behind it.

DUNCAN: Awesome!-I mean _GASP!_

CAMERA GUY: Get behind here!

Carmelita ran right past them.

CAMERA GUY: That idiotic boob.

Duncan stood up.

DUNCAN: Thanks.

CAMERA GUY: Wait! Carmelita will recognize you! Then she'll get you!

DUNCAN: Holy crapoli! You're right! Hmm….I have the perfect plan!

He ripped of his shirt to reveal…a Spiderman suit.

The camera guy had his eyes covered as if he were prepared for something nasty.

CAMERA GUY: Oh, sorry! I thought that-.

DUNCAN: Sh! Shut up! Carmelita is coming!

They heard Carmelita charging down the hallway.

CARMELITA: There you are cakesniffer!

CAMERA GUY: Run!

Duncan did as he was told.

He ran on the stage and through a curtain to find… a dead end. Carmelita was getting closer and closer so he climbed up the wall.

DUNCAN: I'M CLIMBING UP THE WALL!-wait…I'm climbing on the wall!

SOME STRANGE VOICE COMING OUT OF NOWHERE: Yes, you have climbed up the wall!

Duncan looked around in sheer terror.

DUNCAN: Who said that!

No one had answered as Carmelita had searched the dead end and found out that Duncan was no where to be found. Then Duncan faced the behind the scenes camera.

DUNCAN: we will interview Violet after this commercial break!


	3. the Host's Problem

**I hope you enjoy this next chapter! Sorry it's taken me so long to update!**

**- K's G**

DUNCAN: Hey! I'm Duncan on the –

NO ONE OF MUCH IMPORTANCE: Skip the intro! Interview Violet Baudelaire!

DUNCAN: _Gosh! _Someone doesn't know classic introductions.

The guy just rolled his eyes as Duncan walked over to interview Violet.

DUNCAN: Does performing take a lot of hard work?

VIOLET: It takes a lot of hard work. Not just for the idols, but for everyone.

The interview was interrupted by Bridget, the show host who was screaming into a megaphone.

BRIDGET: ALL IDOLS REPORT TO THE STAGE…NOW!

As Bridget ordered; all idols came to the stage and were in a circle.

BRIDGET: Alright everyone; lets have a great rehearsal today.

She searched through her bag for her clipboard. While she was searching for it she pulled out the "usual" show host items.

A TV

A Elephant

A board game

A label maker…

ISADORA: A label maker?

BRIDGET: Well…you never know when you're going to need it.

ISADORA: Whatever.

A toilet brush

A bowl of cookies

A basket ball

A death ray…

BRIDGET: Aha! Here's my clipboard...Okay, Da Freaks?

Kevin, Colette and Hugo raised their hands. (A/N: I'm sure you remember them from _The Carnivorous Carnival._)

BRIDGET: Kevin, where were you yesterday?

HUGO: He was getting a tube of _Preparation H _ from Small-Mart.

Kevin elbowed Hugo hard in the ribs.

HUGO: Uh…I mean…LOOK...uh… IT'S BATMAN!

To everyone's surprise Batman actually _was_ flying through the air.

Duncan, who really wasn't suppose to be there, jumped up and down.

Batman disappeared as fast as he came.

BRIDGET: Whoa…that was weird.

DUNCAN: Tell me about it, _sister_!

After Bridget gave Duncan a 'who the hell are you?' look, she went back to business.

BRIDGET: Anyway, Olaf's theater troupe can step on stage and rehears now!

The hook handed man (Fernald), the white faced women and the person who looks like neither a man nor a women got into a line on stage.

W.F.W #1: This line is WRONG! I MUST be in the middle!

She pushed past he sister.

FERNALD: No! We're going in size order.

W.F.W #2: You are both wrong! The tallest goes in the middle you _stinky_ _poops!_

DUNCAN: Gasp!

VIOLET: Gasp!

FERNALD: Gasp!

W.F.W#1: Gasp!

Colette: Gasp!

HUGO: Gasp!

ISADORA: Gasp!

CAPTAIN WIDDERSHINS: Gasp!

SUNNY: CHEESE!

W.F.W #1 poked her sister.

W.F.W #1: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A_ STINKY POOP_!

After a moment of arguing, Olaf's troupe began fist fighting.

Bridget stepped on the stage.

BRIDGET: QUIET!

Everyone turned to look at the furious host.

As Bridget began to yell, dramatic violin music was heard out of no where.

BRIDGET: I'm surprised in all of you! You can't do anything right! This troupe doesn't know your order; Carmelita can't hold a note even if it had a handle on it….

HUGO: also, Kevin doesn't know when to change his underwear!

Kevin elbowed his friend harder then before.

KEVIN: Will you shut your trap!

BRIDGET: QUIET YOU MORONIC CARNIVAL FREAKS! I now see that I have failed in finding the right unfortunate idol! (Here the music starts again) I have failed as a show host! Goodbye everyone!

Bridget stomped madly towards the door and shoved her infamous mega phone into her brother, the camera guy's, hands.

BRIDGET: Here! You be host now!

CAMERA GUY: Okay, why not?

The new host and the 7 idols stood in a circle, not sure of what to do. Sunny was the first to speak and stepped into the middle of the circle, causing the dramatic music to start again.

Sunny began to speak and everyone miraculously knew what she was saying.

SUNNY: How could we? Our host…our hard working host, willing to work with Carmelita even though she smelled like horse crap…has given up on us! We must be so ashamed! Think of all the things she did for us!

Before anyone could reply, sunny continued her speech.

SUNNY: Violet, when you got locked inside a port-o-potty, who saved you?

VIOLET: Some smelly plumber guy.

SUNNY: and Captain Widdershins, when you were busy navigating the _Queequeg_, who helped you on board?

CAPTAIN WIDDERSHINS: Fiona and Cookie.

SUNNY: Exactly! If we pretend that our host is some smelly plumber or an optimistic cookie, we just might be able to make this show the best show EVER!

Kevin had tears in his eyes and sniffled, trying to hold back tears due to Sunny's moving speech.

COLLETTE: Are you _crying_?

KEVIN: huh…uh…of course not! I'm….I'm a manly man!

Collette rolled her eyes as sunny returned to the rim of the circle and put her hand in the center.

SUNNY: Hands in!

Everyone followed suit and threw their hands in the air.

EVERYONE: YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!

DUNCAN: Go wild cats! Get cha head in the game!

Everyone started at him stupidly. "Huh?"

DUNCAN: Sorry….I just get over excited.

**(A/N: I do not own any of the ASOUE characters…they are the work of Lemony Snicket. I also do not own the Wild Cats…that belongs to Disney inc.)**


	4. A earsplitting rehearsal

**Here is Chappie 4! I hope you enjoy! I have updated two chappies in one day…A TREAT! **

** Also, once again, I don't own any of the ASOUE characters, or Darth Vader, he belongs to George Lucas. (I do own the song 'Push her in the Pit, by the way)**

**K's G**

Sunny's moving speech had inspired everyone to work harder. At this moment, Violet was rapping up her share of the rehearsal. The new host, The camera Guy, was sitting in a chair w/ the handy-dandy microphone.

CAMERA GUY: Violet, you did a great job, but when you actually perform…don't twitch your eye, and don't breathe so heavily…I know you're nervous but…you sound like Darth Vader.

VIOLET: Oh…okay.

Violet twitched.

_Twitch._

_Twitch._

CAMERA GUY: Next…Da Freaks, please come up on stage and rehearse.

Collette, Kevin and Hugo stepped on stage and the music played.

_HUGO AND KEVIN: Push her in the pit, push her in the pit._

_COLLETTE: Lions Roar!_

_HUGO AND KEVIN: LIONS ROAR!_

_COLLETTE: Begin' to be fed! We've gotta push her in!_

_KEVIN AND HUGO: Push her in! Pu-push her in! _

_COLLETTE: Oooooooooooooh!_

As if this terrible and pointless song could not get any worse all 3 began to sing at once.

_KEVIN AND HUGO: Push her in the pit (5x)_

_COLLETTE: Their begging' to be fed! Lions roar! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!_

_KEVIN AND HUGO: We got to push her in the pit! Push her in the pit! Yeaaaaaaah!_

It was the most terrible song everyone in that room had ever heard. After the last five lines of doom in that song, everyone breathed a sigh of relief that they were still living.

CAMERA GUY: your screaming a tiny-weeny to bit too loud for the Microphone to handle.

"That's an under statement." Isadora murmured.

CAMERA GUY: I'm sorry to say it, but…you guys absolutely suck. The judges must have temporarily gone deaf when you 3 auditioned.

The freaks nodded acceptably, although it looked like Collette would burst into tears at any moment.

COLLETTE: Fine! I'll just lock my self in the cupboard under the stairs! Left to rot into nothing-ness! I'll never come out.

CAMERA GUY: There is no cupboard under the stairs….

Isadora whispered quietly to herself.

ISADORA: and if there was we'd nail it shut before you could come out.


End file.
